Shaelyn: A Prisoner in Her Own Mind
In light of February's mental health month and the upcoming "most depressing day" of the calendar year, I have decided to share my daughter’s story with the hope that it may help another mom, dad and child. Please feel free to share
My 11-year old daughter is kind, loving and compassionate. She is the one who will stand up for your child if he/she is being bullied, or help the special needs child in the classroom. She will eat lunch with the child who has no friends, and collects her birthday money to donate to charity. My daughter is the best thing that's happened to me. She has taught me what life is about.
Many of you may not know that I am a Registered Psychologist. I’ve worked within children's mental health and youth forensics systems for many years. There are few things that surprise me about people. Fortunately for me, my training and colleagues have allowed me to better understand and identify my daughter's struggles. However, no crime scene or working with families and their children/teens would prepare me for what I would and will experience with my daughter. It really is a precious nightmare.
Since the age of 4, my daughter has struggled with Separation Anxiety Disorder; Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)-which was recently diagnosed as treatment resistant with a co-morbid diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). This means, standardized treatments do not work for her. What has caused this? The medical field is still unsure. However, there seems to be some suggestion of a biological predisposition with a possible environmental trigger. If we truly knew the cause, we could look at opportunities for prevention or effectively treat the condition.
What I can tell you: this disorder is not caused because of my parenting practices. It is not a result of me “not spanking her enough”, or “not loving her enough” or something that I, or she, has done wrong. This is just how her brain is wired. There is no blame or finger pointing here!
Unless you live in our home, or are one of her teachers, you would assume that she is your "typical 11 year old", but she's far from what YOU would consider "typical" but she is "typical" to me. This is how I have always known her, but you will never see. Why? Because she is clever and is very private about her thoughts, obsessions and routines.
What people don't see is her excessive fear of germs- washing her hands until they bleed, or intrusive thoughts that she has in her head about how she believes her dad wants to kill her, or the likelihood that I am going to die on my way to work-which leads to struggles for me to leave her side.
Then there's her need to check the doors because someone will kill me while she sleeps. Or, her extraordinary levels of guilt when she's gets into trouble-and she actively thinks about different ways to kill herself. There's also her constant need for hugs and to be told that she is loved, repeatedly. She studies for hours on end and when you try to redirect her, she breaks down sobbing. Everything HAS to be PERFECT. When it's not, the tears flow uncontrollably and sobbing can last for hours. Interestingly enough, these are some of the behaviors of a child who is on antidepressants. Antidepressants help her to function. Without them, she would be a prisoner in her head and in her house. Her obsessions and rituals have "gotten better" with the various medications that she's been on over the years, but far from where she needs to be. Or, where she would like to be.
Recently, she made a decision to be hospitalized for 3 weeks. She is desperately trying to find some source of relief. She knows she's different. In fact, she can identify anxiety and OCD patterns in others. She helps other children at school to work through their own anxiety and some of their “sticky” thoughts.
I can't imagine what it's like to be an 11-year- old girl and being a tortured prisoner in your head. Understanding that your thoughts are irrational, but feeling completely helpless every day to stop those thoughts. I frequently have to listen to my daughter say "mom, what's wrong with me, why do I have to live like this?"
Unfortunately, in our province, no one specializes with this diagnosis and the recent hospitalization wasn't as successful as we hoped. She has seen various occupational therapist’s and psychologist’s since the age of four, has a mom and grandma who loves her dearly, and lucky for her, a mom who is a specialist. But she will forever be battling her mind…..and I will be beside her every step of the way!
Despite being a Psychologist, I have run into periods where I have felt hopeless and helpless and wondered is this the “life I wanted to live”. Weeks and weeks without sleep, a distraught and inconsolable daughter and a lack of services and relief available has pushed me to the brink on many occasions. There were many occasions when she was younger where I would lock myself in the bathroom, only to have her scream “mommy don’t leave”. But, I knew that for her safety and mine, this was the decision I NEEDED to make.
I often wonder why and how my child has been given this unique set of characteristics. It’s always interesting to share my daughter's challenges with family and friends, many who feel they are in a position to critique my decisions or impose their uninformed views about how the "doctors are just drugging her up", or imply I am a bad parent, "how could you medicate your daughter". I have lost friends and family because of their harsh judgment and criticisms. My decisions don’t make me a bad parent. I have made the best decisions for my daughter in consultation with numerous professionals.
One in 5 children suffer from OCD. Unless you have either been in this position, or have the knowledge and training, please don't judge people decisions. It is YOUR JUDGEMENT THAT PUSHES PEOPLE TO LIVE IN SILIENCE!
While being a parent of a child who has unique challenges offers so many gifts and rewards, it can also be extremely challenging and can leave you in utter despair. Instead of judging and basing those judgments on ill-informed information, open your heart and minds, and learn. Learn that these parents and child will spend their life grieving and trying to understand "why me". And remember, most of us, at one time in our life will struggle with a mental health issue.
So, next time a colleague calls in sick for the fifth time, or you see a child having an outburst in public, stop and think- maybe, this dad, mom, child or family, is struggling with much more that what I can see. Maybe offer a helping hand. Cause, at the end of the day, don't we all just want the same thing-to be happy and healthy? Children don't deserve this! They too, deserve to NOT be judge. Cause god knows they don't understand this world anymore than you or I.
Mental health starts at birth! That's right! There is such thing as infant mental health and toddler mental health. Mental health is across the lifespan and it doesn't just inflict adults. It also doesn’t discriminate! It carefully chooses you and can rear its ugly head at any point during your life: from 0 100+ years of age. It doesn't care what your gender is, how much money you make, what religion you are or your education level. In fact, some of these descriptors may place you at an elevated risk!!
When we stop judging people's actions or inactions, it is only then that we will truly understand how many individuals- including children, are suffering within their own private hell. Children too, can struggle with mental health issues. IF YOUR GUT TELLS YOU THAT SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT ABOUT YOUR CHILD, REACH OUT!
In light of February's mental health month and the upcoming "most depressing day" of the calendar year, I have decided to share my daughter’s story with the hope that it may help another mom, dad and child. Please feel free to share
My 11-year old daughter is kind, loving and compassionate. She is the one who will stand up for your child if he/she is being bullied, or help the special needs child in the classroom. She will eat lunch with the child who has no friends, and collects her birthday money to donate to charity. My daughter is the best thing that's happened to me. She has taught me what life is about.
Many of you may not know that I am a Registered Psychologist. I’ve worked within children's mental health and youth forensics systems for many years. There are few things that surprise me about people. Fortunately for me, my training and colleagues have allowed me to better understand and identify my daughter's struggles. However, no crime scene or working with families and their children/teens would prepare me for what I would and will experience with my daughter. It really is a precious nightmare.
Since the age of 4, my daughter has struggled with Separation Anxiety Disorder; Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)-which was recently diagnosed as treatment resistant with a co-morbid diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). This means, standardized treatments do not work for her. What has caused this? The medical field is still unsure. However, there seems to be some suggestion of a biological predisposition with a possible environmental trigger. If we truly knew the cause, we could look at opportunities for prevention or effectively treat the condition.
What I can tell you: this disorder is not caused because of my parenting practices. It is not a result of me “not spanking her enough”, or “not loving her enough” or something that I, or she, has done wrong. This is just how her brain is wired. There is no blame or finger pointing here!
Unless you live in our home, or are one of her teachers, you would assume that she is your "typical 11 year old", but she's far from what YOU would consider "typical" but she is "typical" to me. This is how I have always known her, but you will never see. Why? Because she is clever and is very private about her thoughts, obsessions and routines.
What people don't see is her excessive fear of germs- washing her hands until they bleed, or intrusive thoughts that she has in her head about how she believes her dad wants to kill her, or the likelihood that I am going to die on my way to work-which leads to struggles for me to leave her side.
Then there's her need to check the doors because someone will kill me while she sleeps. Or, her extraordinary levels of guilt when she's gets into trouble-and she actively thinks about different ways to kill herself. There's also her constant need for hugs and to be told that she is loved, repeatedly. She studies for hours on end and when you try to redirect her, she breaks down sobbing. Everything HAS to be PERFECT. When it's not, the tears flow uncontrollably and sobbing can last for hours. Interestingly enough, these are some of the behaviors of a child who is on antidepressants. Antidepressants help her to function. Without them, she would be a prisoner in her head and in her house. Her obsessions and rituals have "gotten better" with the various medications that she's been on over the years, but far from where she needs to be. Or, where she would like to be.
Recently, she made a decision to be hospitalized for 3 weeks. She is desperately trying to find some source of relief. She knows she's different. In fact, she can identify anxiety and OCD patterns in others. She helps other children at school to work through their own anxiety and some of their “sticky” thoughts.
I can't imagine what it's like to be an 11-year- old girl and being a tortured prisoner in your head. Understanding that your thoughts are irrational, but feeling completely helpless every day to stop those thoughts. I frequently have to listen to my daughter say "mom, what's wrong with me, why do I have to live like this?"
Unfortunately, in our province, no one specializes with this diagnosis and the recent hospitalization wasn't as successful as we hoped. She has seen various occupational therapist’s and psychologist’s since the age of four, has a mom and grandma who loves her dearly, and lucky for her, a mom who is a specialist. But she will forever be battling her mind…..and I will be beside her every step of the way!
Despite being a Psychologist, I have run into periods where I have felt hopeless and helpless and wondered is this the “life I wanted to live”. Weeks and weeks without sleep, a distraught and inconsolable daughter and a lack of services and relief available has pushed me to the brink on many occasions. There were many occasions when she was younger where I would lock myself in the bathroom, only to have her scream “mommy don’t leave”. But, I knew that for her safety and mine, this was the decision I NEEDED to make.
I often wonder why and how my child has been given this unique set of characteristics. It’s always interesting to share my daughter's challenges with family and friends, many who feel they are in a position to critique my decisions or impose their uninformed views about how the "doctors are just drugging her up", or imply I am a bad parent, "how could you medicate your daughter". I have lost friends and family because of their harsh judgment and criticisms. My decisions don’t make me a bad parent. I have made the best decisions for my daughter in consultation with numerous professionals.
One in 5 children suffer from OCD. Unless you have either been in this position, or have the knowledge and training, please don't judge people decisions. It is YOUR JUDGEMENT THAT PUSHES PEOPLE TO LIVE IN SILIENCE!
While being a parent of a child who has unique challenges offers so many gifts and rewards, it can also be extremely challenging and can leave you in utter despair. Instead of judging and basing those judgments on ill-informed information, open your heart and minds, and learn. Learn that these parents and child will spend their life grieving and trying to understand "why me". And remember, most of us, at one time in our life will struggle with a mental health issue.
So, next time a colleague calls in sick for the fifth time, or you see a child having an outburst in public, stop and think- maybe, this dad, mom, child or family, is struggling with much more that what I can see. Maybe offer a helping hand. Cause, at the end of the day, don't we all just want the same thing-to be happy and healthy? Children don't deserve this! They too, deserve to NOT be judge. Cause god knows they don't understand this world anymore than you or I.
Mental health starts at birth! That's right! There is such thing as infant mental health and toddler mental health. Mental health is across the lifespan and it doesn't just inflict adults. It also doesn’t discriminate! It carefully chooses you and can rear its ugly head at any point during your life: from 0 100+ years of age. It doesn't care what your gender is, how much money you make, what religion you are or your education level. In fact, some of these descriptors may place you at an elevated risk!!
When we stop judging people's actions or inactions, it is only then that we will truly understand how many individuals- including children, are suffering within their own private hell. Children too, can struggle with mental health issues. IF YOUR GUT TELLS YOU THAT SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT ABOUT YOUR CHILD, REACH OUT!
